Meanwhile, on a Boketese beach sits Ronald Dumsfeld. Fresh from the disgrace of dismissal, he is ‘regrouping’, Long Island Iced Tea in hand, chain-smoking Winston reds and barking into his satellite phone, like the mad dog that he truly is. Almost biting the pool waiter with his rage over a disappointing Hawaiian burger, he snarls… “Extra cheese, god damn you, and make it snappy…Harridan! what’s with those god damn socks of yours!?”

It was alleged that Dummy, in addition to his recent transgressions, is a good friend of the island’s autocratic, military dictator, Madeh Kikimongulat. Wondering at the moment if there’s anything in that? Funnily enough, it’s “election time” here soon too. Could Dumsfeld be taking more than just a stopover en route to Oz, and if so, just what is he up to?

When Dumsfeld was an assistant secretary at the State Department, back in ‘showbiz Ron’s’ eighties reign, incubating the present batch of rabid neo-cons, his domain included Boket and other areas within South East Asia. He certainly notched up the airmiles in his role as regional chief of police/arms sales and oil and gas procurement in his famed flared safari suit and stupendously gruff demeanour. In fact, ‘demeaning’ was and is mad dog Dumsfeld’s signature.

Although he avoided the slings and arrows, carpet bombing and general ugliness of the Vietnam campaign, Dumsfeld had never missed the opportunity to rally the troops. At that time, Kikimongulat occupied a similar, though more domestically focused, role as Minister of the Interior. ‘Brutish, narcissist’ was how many remembered him. Master of Bugger All speak with the General Electric Corp bigwigs, followed by a wind down harassing “unruly workers” in the country’s sweatshops. If island hopping, he’d bring a few along and toss them out of his aircraft. The smaller the island, the bigger the challenge for the oafish tyrant, but a direct hit on a rocky peninsula was often occasion for another Veuve and recording-studio sized line. Never sure whether the GE execs ever accompanied him on these sorties, but rumour has it that Dumsfeld was rather taken with the ‘archipelago’ game too, but demanded Wild Turkey as his accompaniment.

Hope the resort gets the next Hawaiian burger right, mused Ben Harridan. “Hey, I’m on assignment…err, Ron…and in the tropics – open toed sandals are actually much, much more functional with the accompaniment of socks. Even John and Janette agreed when we were on their final CHOGM. Heck, if I’m relaxed about ’em, then surely…”