Category: satire
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“Stop whinging, get on with it and prove them all wrong.”
q. what happens if i google…scott morrison fascist…?
“And I know that you will agree with me that standing up for Australia also means standing up for the God, who has so blessed our land. I believe this country hungers for a spiritual revival. I believe it longs to see traditional values reflected in public policy again.”
ERIC(K) ABETZ, Address to the Australian Christian Lobby Conference, Brisbane, May 2013.
After a stint delivering newspapers by bike around Sydney’s Northern Beaches for my uncle Rupert, I hit a bit of a…look, a bit of a time of transition. I’d sprained my forehead during one arduous Sunday morning round…I err, I’d thoroughly enjoyed the cycling aspect, but was finding the pretending-to-be-nice bit rather a strain, particularly with householders in lefty ‘bohemian’ areas who had untidy lawns and/or tree hugger bumper stickers…
Look, quite frankly, at the end of the day, they were challenging times, yet…rather than become a burden upon the business classes of this great colony, I decided to take a leaf from the book, the book of one of my great heroes – Norman Tebbitt – and got back on that bike of mine…I got back on that bike of mine, fellow Australians…I…and I started moving forwards…moving forwards with grit, determination and my winning grin…
Quite frankly, I ahhh, I embraced work for the dole…I embraced work for the dole with guts ‘n gusto and ventured on that bike…ventured on that bike of mine to ACM*, then under the steely stewardship of Sir David Flounce (OAP), a great Australian and loyal monarchist. With my background in media, I was assigned the task of producing Sir David’s inaugural video diary series – funny that, as I was myself undertaking the first draft of my 1991-92 JobSeeker Diary…Synchronisity…
Sir David made my work for the dole experience a memorable one. He gave me one…he gave me one…he gave me one hell of an opportunity at the cutting edge of the white heat of…the blue flame of…Look, ahhh…
(TBC)
*Australians for Constitutional Monarchy (ACM) is a group of boorish, slimy sycophants that aims to preserve Australia’s current constitutional monarchy, withElizabeth II as Queen of Australia: “To preserve, to protect and to defend our heritage: the Australian constitutional system, the role of the Crown in it and our Flag“…(sic)
Master Tony had enjoyed such a wonderful time playing kings and queens, knights and dames with his super new friends, William and Kathee…why, his pa Rupert and dearest uncle, Sir David Flounce O.A.P. , had pulled off a really ripping Easter hols!!! Hoooorahhhh!!! Hip, hip!!!
Look, they uhmm…they came all the way to see meee, all the way to see meee fwom London in Engulund!!! Weee had gwate fun and me and William wrestled and played games…I want, I want lots of castles and servants…I want servants and banquets and horseys and army people, just like William…and, and, and a, a , a crown…a big, big crown when I gwow up!!!
Tony was so excited…he and his mate snotty-Scotty put on the soldier-dress-up-stuff that William had left them as a parting gift and headed back out into the playground…
“Come on Tony, come on quick!!! Quick..” snorted snotty-Scotty… “I can see some stwange childwennn that are, yeuchhhh….who are not from here…they’re howible…’nd weally, weally stwange and stinky….let’s get them!!! Chaaaarge!!!”
Tony thinks that Scotty is really big and tough and that he is brilliant at scaring off poohy strangers…He remembers the big, loud aeroplanes from the recent fly-pasts, too…
Wait for me, Scotty, I’ve got my planes…my aeroplanes are the best…the best in the whole world ever…I wanna do more airplanes…neeeyahhhh, uuuuuuu….uuuu…aiwoplayyyyynzzzz…and, and, and dwop bombs on them…those nasty weirdos…haha-hahahahhh…Myyyy daddd…my dad’s told me that I can play Top Gun with $26,000,000,000 of ordinary peoples’ stupid old money!!! So there.
T.B.C…
Australia has asked North Korea, one of Asia’s poorest countries, to take in asylum seekers detained while trying to reach the Australian coast.
On Saturday Australia’s foreign minister, Julie Bishop, asked regime head, Kim Wrong-un, if North Korea could house some migrants.
“The Australian minister has requested that North Korea takes in some refugees,” bouffanted Wrong-un told a news briefing with Bishop in Pyongyang.
“In the past, North Koreans have fled their country to other countries but now it’s time that North Korea takes in refugees from other countries,” he said adding he
would “take serious consideration” of the request.
The comments were also carried by the official KCNA news agency.
“merry christmas, Herr Murdoch…” gushed the obsequious, fawning abbott, fumbling with his melting, sweaty toupee…”welcome back!”
“K, Abbott. K. Settle!” barked Roopert.
Look, quite frankly, we are so honoured to be graced by your presence this christmas, this white…white Australian christmas…
K. Just tweeted on way in from Kingsford Smith…
Oh, yes, master? An efficient and deeply masterful stroke of…stroke of the pen of modern technology…I just can’t…
S’enough of that, abbott. Settle! Tweet’s “Australia in deep economic trouble left by last six-year wildly incompetent govt. New govt must take quick, painful actions.”
Oh why thank you, Herr Murdoch…Another present? So soon? Why, than…
Caught American Hustle in the Lear on the way down…decadent nonsense ’bout most people ‘ll believe what they wanna believe.
Indeed, herr murdoch, indeed.
Not really, abbott, not at all really. Most people ‘ll believe what I wan’em ta believe…Uncle Roy Cohn taught me that one…
Indeed, herr murdoch, indeed.
(TBC)
“Scott Morrison, please…”
Who should I say is calling?
Jesus. Jesus Christ…
Just a sec…putting you through, Mr Christ…
Cheers. Thanks…
Hmmmnnnaa…MINISTERRR Morrison here…who is this?
Jesus Christ.
Look, there’s quite frankly, no need to take the proverbial…
I am Jesus Christ. Ok, Morrison…I’ll cut to the chase…we’ve had reports that you’re STILL behavin’ like a rabid, fascist, cowardly and profoundly irritating bully boy…
Have not! Have not!! Have nottt!!
…And that you’re getting off, yet again, on your faux macho, mendacious BS…demonising the defenceless…treating the poor and dispossessed like pawns in your demented game of horror…I mean, for fucks sake man, have you no shame?
But, but, but…I AM A STEWARDLY GODLY man…I, I, I, I am a christian….I AM a christian…so there…
“Reichsfuhrer of asylum seekers” according to more lucid insights. Knock it off…pronto…
I AM A STEWARDLY GODLY man. I am Minister Morrison. Just, just, just sod off Jesus, you, you, you…do-gooding hippy! Why don’t you just…just go back to where you came from!!!
….
“Herr Abbott, I’ve Leni Reeferstool on line three…” snivelled the obsequious scott morrisson…
Look, very well morrisson, put her through…
Ochhh, a belated congratulations on your triumph, Tony…your crowning achievement…ze triumph…zeee triumph of your vwill!!!
Quite frankly, Leni…couldn’t have done it without yahhh….
Ochhh, Tony, Tony…und Rupert, Tony. Und Rupert.
At the end of the day, Master Murdoch and Norb Fones really pulled out all the err…the stops…
Und moving forwards….moving forwards with opportunity…opportunity to vwin, eet iz now essential that you do not deviate from my six foondamental rules:…rules of ze propaganda…
1. If you have a plen to put over, keep presenting it incessantly…und systematically und persistently….
2. Avoid argument….never admit there is any “other side;” und in all statements scrupulously avoid arousing reflection or associated ideas, except those which are favorable….
3. In every possible way, connect the idea you wish to put over with the known desires of your audience….zee wishes are the basis of the acceptance of ideas in more cases than zat putreed “logic” is….
4. Make your statements in such language that your audience can repeat them, in thought, without the need of transforming them…
5. use indirect statement, innuendo, and implication. Use direct statement in such a way that the attention of the audience shall be drawn to it sufficiently to take it in, but not sufficiently to reflect upon it.
6. For the most permanent eventual results, aim your propaganda at ze children, too…
Herr Murdoch eez nearing final stage of Project Obedient FLag resources for ze school und Norb und Flinty are ready for MeinPantz…
tbc…
“Lord Chwissie…’tis now Christmas everyday!!!” gushed Gina…
MMMMaaaaaarvelous news, dear Gina. Dear, dear, dear Gina…Master Tony hath twiumphed…eheuuugh, phmaaa…Flinty buzzed in from Auwstwaylianzzz for Constitutional Monarchy and his very own 1990’s Executive Director is now Pwime Minister, no less…
…And, and, and Julie B can come out of hiding…and, and and…assume her position!
Fwom standing up for the rights of those courageous asbestos companies…over the tiresome gwummblings of those twoublesome and wather-wheezy-workers…to Deputy Pwime Minister of your gweat colony…
Oh, ohhh, Lord Chwissie…I feel, I feel wather poety…
Splendid, dear Gina, let’s have a listen…
The globe is sadly groaning with debt, poverty and strife
But CONservatives for CONservatives now leading, shall further enrich my life…
Splendid, dear Gina. Splendid.
click here for…..monckton’s moments: team antipOdes weport, wk ending 18/03/12…
Well folks, he’s struck again! Guerilla Gina Rinehart impersonator ‘Mike Smith’ was ejected from the audience of Sunday’s Australian Federal election debate.
Just minutes before proceedings were due to begin, the buzz of the crowd at the Australian Press Club venue was punctuated, if not punctured, by loud and repeated shouts of…
“Ponts. Big ponts. Ponts!! B…i….g P….ontsss!!!
To a mixture of boos, cheers and applause, beefy Mike was escorted from the event…By day, ‘Mike’ runs one of Australia’s ‘big four’ high street banks, but ….
TBC
“Captain Negative, yet again, on line three for you Lord Christopher…”
Ahumphh, rightyho, thenk you Hilda…
Why good evening Lord Christopher. How goeth your Lordship this fine ev…
Well, well, well master Tony…I hear upon the Auwwwstwaylian gwapevine that one has a new…a new epiphet?
Look, ahhh, no Lord Christopher. No. I’m quite frankly touched by your concern ,but no. No.
Hohhoho…. Norb Fones filled me in earlier…
No, no Lord Christopher. No…No nicknames here. No.
…Hahhh, Norb thought it may have owiginated ex “Spycatcher” Turnbull’s office…your new epiphet, that is…
No, no Lord Christopher. No…
Sooooo….you’re not really Captain Negative, then?
No, no Lord Christopher. NO…No…no…
maaaster tony…you really are a…
(…tbc…)
- I see me, Scott Morrison, MP and…and Assembly of God leader…
- …I see a man who has balance and an ability to enjoy the fruits of an orderly, odedient and fair-haired community – heck, I’m a normal, dinkum Aussie guy too – heck, I can think of nothing better than to kick back ‘nd relax on a Saturday morning and catch up on highlights of the week’s Australian Traffic Network radio broadcasts!
- I see, I see….an obedient servant and stewardly-Godly-man…
- Look, quite frankly, I see a proud steward…a proud steward at ShireLive’s much trumpeted ‘WATER BAPTISM’ ceremonies…sorry about the plug, but as my great mate Sir Cliff would say…we’re ‘wired for sound’…
- I see a man who is on a proud highway, a proud highway to a more fair-haired and obedient Australia!
::: for more on Scott Morrison’s fair-dinkum values, why not click here to visit ShireLive :::
Feel free to click below for part one of this ground-breaking series…
new interpretOr series: ‘what I see in the mirrOr’ pt1: Tony Abbott
Australian surrealist poet ‘Gina’ has wowed Melbourne audiences with her debut performance of “ATM”.
Appearing on stage, in her ‘signature’ guise – that of a cross-dressing middle-aged bank manager aka “Mike”, Gina’s rendition included the memorable lines…
I am not an ATM.
am not an ATM.
not an ATM.
an ATM.
ATM.
.
ATM.
an ATM.
not an ATM.
am not an ATM.
I am not an ATM.
To a standing ovation, ‘Gina’ thanked her Melbourne audience, exiting stage RIGHT…
Dr Dennis Jensen MP
Federal Member for Tangney
Electorate Officer B
Propaganda Officer
Applications are invited for the above position based in Perth, Western Australia
The duties of the position include: responding to constituent enquiries, liaising with Liberal State Government departments and other organisations, preparing and coordinating propaganda, liaising with News Ltd, organising functions and AWB memorabilia.
Applicants should possess the following skills and experience:
- Ability to work as part of a white, male dominated hierarchy
- Exceptional New Media Vision and Imagination – roll VCR!
- An understanding of Apartheid models and parliamentary processes
- Excellent oral and written communication skills – fluent Afrikaans preferred
- Well developed office hygiene skills and familiarity with TupperWare systems
- the ability to suspend disbelief going forwards…
A commencing salary between $5,284 and $5,285
A probationary period of 3 years will apply.
Applications setting out details of experience and the names of two referees should be forwarded to jensendp@aph.gov.au
Applications close on Friday May 13 2013. For further information please contact Sean Terre’Blanche on (08) 9354 9633.
Email: Please click the ‘Apply Now’ button below.
“Tramtracks” Tony. “Tramtracks.”
Look, Peta, I am recalcitrant. At the end of the day, easing off the throttle, errr, literally and metaphorically…has paid dividends. Dividends. There are even times when I think this “being nice” malarkey is my tramtrack…
…the rails, Tony, rails by which team negative shall emerge from the shadows…’nd into the dazzling daylight of our great and efficient mining monarchy. An enhanced brand proposition of trustworthiness, family connection and dare I say, increasing cosmopolitanism…‘K Tony, Brian and I had a nanosecond to confer at the gym Sunday and quite frankly, your tweet leading into the weekend of late exyooodid tramtracks. Andrew concurs, too…d’ya’remember it…
Friday night at the movies then Kam Fook Chinese for dinner with @TonyAbbottMHR @abbott_frances and mum #familytime pic.twitter.com/gPsfBjgf1a Retweeted by Tony Abbott
No mesothelioma people…
Oh Tony. No. No mesothelioma people. No…mesotheleoma people.
That’s all behind me now…
We’re moving forwards, with opportunity…with opportunity to win…
(…TBC…)
Sydney residents were warned to stay clear of of an angry deluded Christian man who has been attacking people without any rational reason in Sydney’s Western suburbs.
The man who says he has been annointed by God, is displaying his psychotic state by his shouting extreme fascist slogans and claiming that he is Australia’s next immigration minister.
So far his verbally aggressive attacks have been focussed on people with good suntans and have not yet become physically violent. His attacks have forced residents with dark skin to take refuge inside their houses. Police fear he is incititing other mentally unstable members of the community to maim or kill innocent people.
There is great concern that he may find his way to to beach side suburbs like Bondi where many beach goers have dark naturally tanned skin and even more are sporting fake orange tans. These residents need to take a precautionary approach and under no circumstances should they approach this man who is extremely dangerous.
“Twoy’s our boy, Lord Chwissie!” enthused a gushing Gina. “Twoy’s our…”
…Boy…Gina. Dear, dear Gina. Pray tell, pray tell…
He’s just sooper. He’s our boy, that Twoy!! Aherrrha. Can I wead you a bit of his Wikipedia computer entwy thingummy…here we are now…Wiki…pedia! Right then, right, just popping his name in to the search box thingummy…
Splendid, dear Gina. Splendid….
Here we go now, ahumphh…I’ll wead you a bit..here we go…
…On 27 April 2008 further allegations were published, these included the sniffing of a chair of a female Liberal staffer as well as claims he crawled around on his hands and knees pretending to be the staffer’s husband. Buswell first refused to deny the allegations,[14] and then subsequently admitted to the act.[15] The woman later revealed Buswell “was groaning and writhing in sexual pleasure”.[16]
Ohhh, ohhh, what a fella, dear Gina. An ebsolute card! Hmmahh, rather partial to the odd studded Chesterfield, meself…
Here’s another good bit, Lord Chwissie…Twoy…Twoy’s our…
…Buswell “squirrel gripping” (grabbing the ahhh, the ahhh testicles of) Liberal MLA Murray Cowper and just wound the corner…round in parliament. Cowper did not deny the incident, saying “As far as I’m concerned the matter’s dead and it’s time for everyone to move on, the media included.”[20]
Squirrell gwipping, no less!? Well, well now. A squiwell-gwipping-ripping-gweat-safe pair of hands. Smeashing. Twoy’s our boy.
Better dash, Lord Chwissie.. The poptastic Sir Cliff’s in town and, and, and, and Twoy boy is escorting me for the evening’s entertainment!!
On all fours, no doubt, my dear, dear Gina…
“Look, good morning cadet Australians. This is none other than me…me, your leader…all rise for the flag” said Tony Abbott.
“I’m starting this morning’s national assemblies schools address series with the thrilling news….the thrilling news, cadets, that Don Voelte AO…Don Voelte AO is to become…look…Chairman of new ABC INC…cadet Australian’s, Don’s legendary partnership with another great Australian, none other than Sir Pete Gammell d’Bush-Family- Hospitality, saw him appointed to the position of Chief Executive Officer and Managing Director of Seven West Media Limited, circa June 2012. A loyal Australian tower of moral courage across our rugged colony…Don’s been a director of Seven West Media Limited, and prior to the formation of Seven West Media Limited, West Australian Newspapers Holdings Limited since December 2008…
…As you’ll know from your history books, significant experience in the global oil and gas industry is a prerequisite of leadership in our great colony…and, prior to his retirement in June 2011, Donny was the Managing Director and Chief Executive Officer of the legendary Woodside Petroleum Limited, a position he had held since joining the company in 2004, cadet Australians. Appropriate comunications are a hallmark of my Abbott administration and will stand our great colony in good…”
(TBC…)
Beau Gann, welcome to EarthTalk.
It’s all good
Ok. Mr Gann, as you know, this interview is likely to be reaching planets that are not entirely familiar with your profession. Can you describe for our viewers and listeners a typical working day, in the “ore “sector, down there on planet Earth?
It’s all good
Erhm, let me rephrase. What’s it like to dig up iron ore…on an immense industrial scale… down there in the Pilbara region of Earth’s Australia?
It’s all good
OKkk, here at EarthTalk we’re across incontrovertible evidence that your planet is facing catastrophic climate change that is attributable to the activities of your area of work. Does what you do as an individual not impact upon your fragile planet…
It’s all good
Righty ho… Do you not have any qualms about what you’re doing?
It’s all good
Beau Gann, we’ll leave it there for now. Thanks for joining us on EarthTalk…
It’s all good
Well, viewers, that was Mr Gann, one of Earth’s leading ‘miners’. As we saw, he seemed reluctant to put his income source into any kind of global perspective – this trait has been a recurring theme of this series on ‘Earth: roles, incomes and the future’…
Alan Beresford B’Stard, MP.
Christopher Maurice Pyne, MP.
“on u.f.orb itself, ‘Towers of Dub’ began with a Victor Lewis-Smith phone prank. The posh voiced comedian calls London Weekend Television and, pretending to be Marcus Garvey, asks if Haile Salasie is waiting in reception: ‘He’s a, erm, black gentleman.’ After the hapless receptionist has shouted out for the long-dead Abyssinian monarch and Rastifarian Messiah, Lewis Smith asks him to pass on the message that ‘I’ll meet him at Babylon an’ ting.’…”
(more @ Simon Reynolds: Energy Flash)
Gina, dear, dear Gina…when I was but a child, there was a fox by the name of Basil…Basil the fox…phneuhhh…
Ooooo yesss, Lord Chwissie…A weal fox…a weal one with a bwight bushy tail???
Ohh Gina, dear, dear Gina…Basil Bwush was in some wespects a figment…
Ooooo yesss, Lord Chwissie…a…a…a figmented fox?
Gina, dear, dear Gina, where was I…where are we now…right…Basil the fox had a catchcry, a cathcry of “Boom, Boom!”
Ooooo yesss, Lord Chwissie…a cwy of…of a jolly big “Boooom”! I like mine, though. I like my boom.
Gina, dear, dear Gina. Indeed, I like it too. I weally, weally like your boom.
Hahhhh! D’you know what, d’you know what, Lord Chwissie…? The latte dwinking lefty masses who don’t like my boom…the latte dwinking lefty masses in Western Austwaylia just have to live with my boom too…Hahahhh, they now pay an average of awound 60-80% of their do-gooder weekly scwaypings to keep a woof over their heads…Hahahhhh!!
Gina, dear, dear Gina. Thet’s maaarvelous news. Survival of…survival of…
Survival of…survival of…the FATTEST!
Boom, Boom.
Monckton here, but yooo people, yooo subjects of the wrealm can call me Lord Chwistopher. Blighty’s a tad chilly at the mo, so it weally warms my heart…my heart and soullll, to hear news of dear fwiends…dear fwiends down there in Auwwwstwaylia – Alan, Bolty, Sir David Flounce (OAP)…Sir David end Tony…let’s not forget master Tony…cawwying the sacwed message, the sacwed message of monarchy to the distant ends of empire….
…it gives one gweat, gweat pleasure to share with yoooo, my antipodean subjects, the 2010 Oration for Monarchy by none other than master Tony Abbott:
“The wellsprings of its appeal are instinctual as much as rational: more akin to loyalty to a team, solidarity within a family or faith in a church than they are to support for a policy. Deep down, they are the heart’s reasons that reason doesn’t know…” Tony Abbott
The 2000 monarchist sycophant addwess was delivered by John Howard, and ACM are weally moving with the times…migwating from video cassette to some new fangled DVD thingummy….
When I look in the mirror I don’t see me…I see Sir Cliff Richard. But when I look at pictures of Sir Cliff, I still see myself instead of him…it’s a bit bonkers and spooky-tastic…looking like someone famous…lucrative, too.
Ahuuhh, ahh…two and a quarter years ago…everyone started saying that I looked like Sir Cliff , then one of my friends sent me photo to a lookalikes online agency (flossmirror.com) and my whole life changed. I was an HR manager at News Corp, and then suddenly I…I was doing a shoot for Top Gear magazine, trying on outfits and helmets that Sir Cliff would wear to his plantation…in the sun with Tony Blair – when the latter was in office, of course….anywayz, because I study him a lot, I look at pictures and try to copy his style and gestures.
He looks quite natural, so I don’t wear much make-up…except for a lot of black eye lasher, and I keep up me tannin, regularrr… I’d like my legs to be thinner like Cliff’s, and I’d like to be taller. I’m 5ft 4.6in – Sir Cliff’’s 5ft 7.3 ish-in. …There’s pressure to go to the gym more, but I’ll never be as mega and pumptastically-poptastic as Sir Cliff . And I’m from Essex, so sometimes I feel I should speak a bit posher when I make appearances. I don’t know about you, but every time some joker points me out as I walk through an airport wearing extra small Dolfin shorts, a tank top and leg warmers, I get a little upset….
At first I was just doing Sir Cliff at weekends, but now I’ve quit my job to do this full-time. It might last only until the 80th, but for now I’m having fun.
Interview with Lisa Wilkinson, Today Show (transcript via Tony Abbott.com)
Posted on Friday, 5 October 2012
Subjects: Tony and Margie Abbott.
LISA WILKINSON: I’m pleased to say Margie and Tony Abbott join me now. Good morning to both of you.
MARGIE ABBOTT: Good morning, Lisa.
TONY ABBOTT: Look, morning, Lisa.
LISA WILKINSON: Mr Abbott, Downton Abbey? Your rugby mates will be crying in their beer! What is that about?
TONY ABBOTT: Well, look, I guess I’ve just changed over the years, haven’t I? But look, I still enjoy watching footballers, but I did really fall in love with Downton Abbey. It was a great programme about managing domestic servants, tidy uniforms and that old virtue, the old virtue of unconditional obedience to authority.
LISA WILKINSON: He is a softie isn’t he, Margie?
MARGIE ABBOTT: He is, absolutely, Lisa. He is a softie and, dare I say it, I didn’t win the battle. We watched Downton Abbey and Tony is our lord-of-the- manor in waiting, is he not Lisa?
LISA WILKINSON: But you wanted to watch the footballers, Tony?
TONY ABBOTT: Well, I think the important thing, Lisa, was that we were together on the lounge and you know, viewing what we hope will be the Australia of the future, a future characterised by good ol’ fashioned hard work, respect for one’superiors…at the end of the day, to be quite frank…men at work…men…
David Beckham has announced that next month’s Major League Soccer championship will be his final game with the Los Angeles Galaxy – but wasn’t coy over his next move, saying that he was “enjoying his new watch.”
Disembarking at Luton (UK), keeping up with the constant challenges of a hectic global schedule, Beckham shared with us lines he’d prepared inflight for the breaking Saatchi Asia Brietling campaign, with print currently launching through the Caucasian and other regional broadsheets:
“So I said to them, Trevor, I said…I’ve got a new watch…”
...Hallow. My name’s David. David Beckham. I’ve got a new watch. It’s mine. I like my new watch. Shiny. It understands that I’m a man of my time. My new watch, that is. I like my new watch. Buttons round it quite a bit, oh yes. I can press them…I can push my own buttons, by themselves and myself too. Look. It’s my new watch.Rubber- molded bidirectional rotating bezels of time that serve to read off a seventh timezone, at the end of the day..."
Romney “Blames Loss” on covert satanic messages
By Ben HarridanSaying that he and his team still felt “tousled” by his loss to President Obama, Mitt Romney on Wednesday attributed his defeat in part to what he called the blatant yet covert satanic messages that the president had bestowed on loyal Democratic constituencies, including young voters.
In a conference call with fund-raisers, Mormon elders and donors to his campaign, a perturbed Mr. Romney said Wednesday afternoon that the president had followed the “old secular playbook device” of using covert satanic messages to woo specific interest groups — “especially young people.”
“In each case, they gave covert satanic messages to those groups,” Mr. Romney said, contrasting Mr. Obama’s strategy to his own of “talking gospel truths for the whole country: a bigger, louder military, a strong economy, at the end of the day, creating jobs for men and so forth.”
Mr. Romney’s stirring comments in the 20-minute conference call came after his running mate, Representative Paul D. Ryan of Wisconsin, told WISC-TV in Madison on Monday that their loss was a result of Mr. Obama’s strength in “disturbed, secular areas,” an analysis that did not account for Mr. Obama’s victories in more rural states like Iowa and New Hampshire or the decrease in the number of votes for the president relative to 2008 in critical urban counties in Ohio.
“With regards to the young people, for instance, a forgiveness of college loan interest was a covert satanic message,” Mr. Romney said. “Free contraceptives were covert satanic messages with young, college-aged women. And then, finally, Obamacare also made a difference for them, because as you know, anybody now 56 years of age and younger was now going to be part of their parents’ plan, and that was a big covert satanic message to young people. They turned out in large numbers, a larger share in this election even than in 2008.”
an interpretOr had a bad dream recently and it went a bit like this...
…Aymen…muster pruzudunt…President Romney, surrr. yes surrrr…
“Look here, Rhoades. After I speak, you’re going to hear from Secretary Ann Coulter. That’s a good thing. I think it’s important to get the views of moderates – the likes of she and Rupert Murd…moderate views around the new, the new cabinet table vista.”
uhhh…muster pruzudunt…President Romney, surrr. yes surrrr.
“My himmediate changes in federal welfare-to-work rules…they will…they will end a culture of deeependency and restore a culture of good hard work…Foxcon is a beacon on the sacred pathway…’ndeedy…His blueprint, no less.”
uhhh…muster pruzudunt…President Romney, surrr. yes surrrr.
“Rhoades…Anne, geee, Missus Pruzudunt Anne…she…Anne is my sacred torch-bearer, my torch-bearer…my bearer on the journey…from the roadmap…quite sincerely, fellow Ameri… At the end of the day…what I took from Bain was more than mere money…more than how ta turn a buck…I acquired a vision…a sacred vision that led me here across the hard rugged terrain, of the ravine…that…ruggedly constitutes the road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue…
uhhh…muster pruzudunt…President Romney, surrr. yes surrrr.
“I am here now. We shall move forwards..move forward on a united front…The business model of the prison is more to me than mere abstract notion…a fantasy…it is nothing short of…of a miracle…the fruit of His toil…’nd Foxcon is sweet poetry…in motion…’nda doublin’ Guantanamo pronto…Cheney poised ‘n preenin on Iran..Bibi’s a fan-doodly on side. Phase Four in motion…we’re kickun asss, Rhoades.
uhhh…muster pruzudunt…President Romney, surrr. yes surrrr.
“Haaharrr…heads – you lose…tails, I win.”
uhhh…muster pruzudunt…President Romney, surrr. yes surrrr…
Go on then Fones, put it to the test then, if you’re so damn sure! Go on, you potato of a man. Wretched, viscious…potato…bastard.
Ohhh, what vile scum duth I hear before me? Just crawl back to your microbiotical vegetable garden and yer…and yer friggin’ mung beans, you, you…
So to what, exactly, do you attribute global warming, ehh? You overpaid, foul-mouthed bigot, you…
Foul mouthed, foul mouthed?? I’ll let you jolly well know, that by MY calculations, human beings produce a mere, trifling 0.000001% of carbon dioxide – ya know – ceee ohhh tooo – in the earth’s atmosphere. 0.000001 percentile points…
Yeahh, right. And I’m a banana.
That you may be. Climate change…climate change is caused by the seasons. The SEASONS, man. Autumn, summer…err, errr…
Have you totally lost it, Fones?
Winter. Winter and autumn. Look, don’t you know WHO I AM. I’m Fones, NORB FONES!!!!
( for more Norb Fones: Norb Fones: mOnster of talkback… “well, hello Tony” )
Lord Monckton, sir, you have a call from a Mister Tony Abbott in the Antipodes…it sounds as though it may be urgent, your Lordship…
-Is that you, Tony, you Menzies in waiting, you…how the devil are ya, my dear, dear boy?
Lord Christopher, smashing to hear your dulcet tones…Alan and I were hoping you’d get back to us with your, errrr, look, err your prognosis…we so truly value the Monckton ‘appliance of science’…on this “shame” thingummy…
-Ho-ho, do ya now? Do ya now!
…Look, quite frankly, Jonesy and I both a little peeky and, uhhh…had better days…
-My dear, dear fellows, I’ll pop yooo on speaker phone….hang on just a tic, snuhhh…where am I now?? I’m weading some bits end pieces on symptomology that may determine the likelihooood….uhrumphh…your prognosis…here we are now…”have shame” means to maintain a sense of restraint…thet’s restraint against offending others…
Oh, ohhh…thank fuck for that!
Sorry, Lord Christopher…twas not me…Alan, just letting off a bit of steam…he’s not symptomatic on that one…
-Smeashing, smeashing…I shell continue then, my good cheps…here we go, here we…right…while to “have no shame” is to..beha..ve without such restraint
Oh, sweet Jesus, thank fxxxx
Alan again, Lord Christopher…look, we don’t seem to have any shame at all then?
-No. Me neither.
“Heck, Mitt’s bounce is smashing!!”, gushed Greg Sheridan…the newsroom at the Caucasian cheered. Cheered it did. Filled Sheridan with glee….ohhh, back with glee to fond memories of his first prayer breakfast with former President George W Bush…A much maligned tower of moral courage. He was just such a good darn president. Tip top. I was the only non White House press corp correspondent allowed to record this memorable initial meeting…one that I shall never forget. It branded my conscience with a vision of a stronger tomorrow, and I delight in sharing this recording with you now:
Nnn Gahhhd. Gahhhd, He spoke to me. Said son, you’re the one. The one with tha gun. Nnnn aah sayed – Holy Father, I damnn that maan, that maan, Sadddaaahm.
Ahhmen, pruzudunt Dubbya. Ahhmen a doodly ooodly.
Nnnn Gahhhd, Gahhhd spoke to Deck. Spoke to him, heee deeeyed. “Deck.” “Deck,” he sayed, “Deck yur pruzudunt needs ya. He needs yahh real baaad…”
Pruzudunt Dubbya. Pruzudunt George, sur, praise be, praise be Deck.
Nnnnn, ahh sayed, Greyeggg. Aprroach me Greyegg. Come to Dubbya. Nnnn, Greyeggg, he did. He come ta Dubbya.
Greyegg darn come to Dubbya. Greg, Greg, Greg Sheridanne.
Nnnn, Gregg Sheridanne. He come ta Dubbya. Nnn ahh sayed, Greyegg. Bless yahh, Greyeggg. Nnnn he sayed..Sir, ahhh praize that mann, that mann Deck. Baptized in fire – dya know, dya know that Deck bought hiz first house at 12, he had toiled ironing bibles. Ironing bibles for $25 an hour.
Nnn Gahhhd, He praised Deck. Nnnnn prayz Deck. Nnn bahhbles. He knoweth not leezure.
the interpretOr 
