Huge crowds and many near-riots were reported wherever Nike’s new $1,800 “Air Israel” sandals went on sale. Police in Seattle said about 20 people were pepper-sprayed after fights broke out amongst a queue of 13,000 youths gathered on Christmas Eve. One man was arrested for punching an officer. “He did not get his sandals; he went to jail,” said a spokesman.

BBC and wires flashing that internationally renowned Fear Trade spokesperson, Ben Harridan, was among the first to secure a pair. Breathless Ben was quoted as follows on his thrilling new purchase:

“Phew, heck, huhhh. The new Air Israels are the definitive sandal. An a-m-a-z-ing piece of kit.They promise more grip and traction while climbing in areas such as Le Massif Cavité Anal des Politiques. I guess another huge breakthrough is the built in pocket for cheese triangles and…quite frankly, they’re so flexible that….”