the interpretOr

“Herr Abbott. I like MeinPantz. I like them so much. Snork. Thank you To…”

Hey, just don’t go there Scott. Ok? No, not ok..Did you find that piece I asked for?

Ya…yess, Mein Herr. It’s next to the mahogany prod..here we go…”Exfoliation can be achieved through mechanical or chemical means, though rough surfaces ensure a smoother, closer, more natural look.”

Loook ummm, thank you for your compliment, Scott, all happening, heck… Stripes. Vertical stripes…

Stars.

Yes, Scott. Stars too.

Circles.

Circle. Just one. White. White circle.

White circles, stars, stripes. Tight. Tight stripes. Tights! Herr Abbott…flexiponts, und…

“Herr Abbott, you doo have zee Haider een you. Nurture yor inner Jorg” said Leni. “Und especially ven you’re cross – ze pession, zee indeegnation. You go from orange too ze red!”

Ha, well, heck, Leni. But never green.

Don’t ever mention that verd. Peuahh.

Look, ummm, Leni. Sir Cliff has brought a creative and bold suite of ideas to the table. A man of vision, he’s one heck of a mate, and err does a lot of great work for charity.

Yess, Herr Abott. So hendsome und zee little beach sheck in zee Barbados…vot’s zee big idea?

Well, actually, there are two. Two big ideas. We will leverage each through autumn rallies after using the late summer auction as an initial, umm, launch platform…

Vell, Tony, vot, vot, vot?

1. Produce the new ‘MeinPantz’ swimwear range at the Correct Corp facility on Nauru!

2. Market the range through Barbados. Sir Cliff has indicated that he’s willing to help with shoots, model management etcetera, etc. Leni, humm, perhaps let’s not mention this yet to Julie, but Sir Cliff feels that your’s truly could, ermmm, actually model some of the pants…

Model zee ponts? Toight ponts, Tony?

Well a bit, yes…

Und this vill bee after zee shedding?

Precisely, Leni. I knew you’d get it

“Herr Abbott, you doo have zee Jorg Haider een you. Nurture yor inner Jorg” said Leni. “Und especially ven you’re cross – ze pession, zee indeegnation. You go from orange too ze red!”

Ha, well, heck, Leni. But never green.

Don’t ever mention that verd. Peuahh.

Look, ummm, Leni. Sir Cliff has brought a creative and bold suite of ideas to the table. A man of vision, he’s one heck of a mate, and err does a lot of great work for charity.

Yess, Herr Abott. So hendsome und zee little beach sheck in zee Barbados…vot’s zee big idea?

Well, actually, there are two. Two big ideas. We will leverage each through autumn rallies after using the late summer auction as an initial, umm, launch platform…

Vell, Tony, vot, vot, vot?

1. Produce the new ‘MeinPantz’ swimwear range at the Correct Corp facility on Nauru!

2. Market the range through Barbados. Sir Cliff has indicated that he’s willing to help with shoots, model management etcetera, etc. Leni, humm, perhaps let’s not mention this yet to Julie, but Sir Cliff feels that your’s truly could, ermmm, actually model some of the pants…

Model zee ponts? Toight ponts, Tony?

Well a bit, yes…

Und this vill bee after zee shedding?

Precisely, Leni. I knew you’d get it

“Herr Abbott. I’ve Sir Cliff for you on line 2” said Scott.

Ok, Scott. Put him through pronto, presto…uhmm, quickly. Sir Cliff, hello, hello. Smashing to hear from you and tell me, how is sunny Barbados today?”

Heck, howdie Tony! Blessings. The plantation’s a sunny and a super, doodly smashing. Uhhuh, it blows me away that now two of me great mates are called Tone. I mean…what are the chances, it’s a bit spookytastic.

Err, Sir Cliff, may I venture that it could be the invisible hand of the big JC.

Mega. Hey, buddie, Tone. Leni Reeferstool flicked over the treatment for your autumn rallies. They’re, quite frankly, pop-tastic, mate. She also attached a cuppla pdfs of you over the hols. You’re in great, great shape mate!

Gee, heck, thanks Sir Cliff mate. You’re in terrific shape too, mate – I’ll have to courier you over a pair of Austalia’s finest!

Mega-tastic, knicker elastic! So, let’s get down to the shedding, Tone, me old mate. Scotty’s notes indicated that you’re a bit of a rough surface shedder!

Yes, Sir Cliff, mate. And Julie’s ….

Aptly titled Shadow Minister, Scott M, loves Officeworks. The order of the aisles, ranges of stationary stationery. Sheer bliss. Heck, even the uniforms. Splendid, splendid. “It’s my Disneyland!!” he proclaimed as he fumbled with the new range of ring binders in aisle 9.

“Office supplies and Tory politicians have a peculiar history and connection”, mused Keith.

British documentary makers, Comic Strip Presents, busted John Major at Ryman’s back in the 90’s, prematurely ending his prime ministership. “Morrison is playing with fire…it could all end in tears…ha, ha…the tears of a clown” chuckled Keith

to be continued…

“Herr Abbott, we could auction it late summer” said Scott.

“Perhaps, Scott. Anyway, ummm, how’s the new prod looking?”

“Correct Corp envisage availability and  implementation readiness at 2nd quarter ’12 for zone P of Phase Four”

“Excellent, excellent. Norman Boyd seems very confident of this too and we can brief Harridan. Going back to the auction scenario….not bad. Leave it with me, I’ll liaise with TB and Sir Cliff also has experience in this area too. Maybe we could go digital and combine ‘opportunity to win’ with the main revenue generator for autumn?”

“Ya.., yess Herr Abbott. It’ll be a massive revenue builder for autumn and raise party brand awareness.”

“Ok, well, quite frankly I could toss in the speedos too?”

“Errr, Herr Abbott….?”

“Add them to the prize pool, Scott. What on earth do you think I mean?”

“Right, right. Great.”

“Ok. On the main prize item…a quick heads up on the shedding process. Well, the process tends to be that the old skin breaks near the mouth and I wriggle out of it, aided by rubbing against rough surfaces. In years gone bye, the cast skin peels backward over the body from head to tail in one piece, like pulling a sock off inside-out…Scott..?..SCOTT! SCOTTT”

“Herr Abbott, you’ve got toight ponts” said Leni.

“Leni, yes. These are my swimming trunks.”

“Vot in thee vorld. You’ve got toight ponts.”

“Yes, Leni, admittedly, they are quite frankly, tight, but there’s nothing unusual in them?!”

“Well, Herr Abbott, when others are wearing such toight ponts, zer are impleecations, are there not?”

“quite frankly, I haven’t given the issue much thought, umm, the…”

“Vot about Julie? Have you not considered her needs – are you not moving forwards on zee uniteed froont?”

“Well, she’s thrilled with, ummm, your designs for the autumn ral…”

Mr Rabbit is a genuine conservative. No matter how hare brained they are he clings to old ideas that may not have worked the first time and puts them away for later. His wise old Mummy had drummed into him “waste not want not,” and that precept is just as good now as it was then.

When Mr Rabbit was the Minister for Elf back in the olden days or as he often quipped, golden days of the Gliberal Party, he had been worried about teenagers having too much fun with all that sex, hugs and rock and roll that was constantly available.

To counter this liberal immoral behaviour he devised a devastatingly brilliant policy. He would bombard them with a deeply conservative and holy message. Inexorably it rolled out through the realm of the Debauched Estate. “Just say no” was that message and it had an immediate effect. It was observed that teenagers everywhere on hearing this wisdom were rolling around laughing.

“Obviously it had struck a nerve, they clearly feel relieved from having to make their own decisions” he said. This was the beauty of Gliberal policies. Just like God,Uncle John was taking on the responsibility for everything. This engendered ordinary people with a great sense of release and it was this release from responsibility that made people happy.

Mr Rabbit had a very personal attachment to “Just say no”, it had  haunted him that he had not got that message when he was a young student and was exposed to the hug culture. He now had been left in great difficulty not  knowing which children were his own. It had caused him great embarrassment at times, especially when he visited the seminary.

So great was the impact of this revelation that he had carried it with him from Greener Pasture into the Opposition Paddock. Now every time Carrot Top put forward one of her policies he would jump to his paws and shout triumphantly “No No No.” He would then rush of to the Kingdom of the Debauched Estate trumpeting No No and again emphatically No. Soon they were all yelling  “No No No” and no one shouted louder than Alan down at his popular pawnbroking shop, ” where he swapped Cash for Comments”.

However, Mr Rabbit was now facing a dilemma because saying no to Carrot Top sometimes meant saying yes to someone else. There was a problem Downunder with addictive gambolling and the consumption of addictive tobacco flavoured carrots. When he leapt to his paws to shout “no” to Carrot Tops’  gambolling laws, he forgot that gambolling and tobacco flavoured cigarettes were enjoyable to some teenagers and this was anti Gliberal. Should he say no to gambolling and cigarettes and by opposing them end them, or to side with Carrot Top? That was the question.

Mr Rabbit delved deeply into his Gliberal philosophy to seek an answer to his dilemma  and before he knew it he had found a reasoned solution. Who would fund his next campaign, Carrot Top or Phillip the Morris dancer? and who would give him a free ride on the Debauched Estate merry go round, Carrot Top or Chanel Canine? Why, despite being from Greener Pasture he could even become a working class hero if he played his cards right. The answer was now clear as was his conscience and his confidence quotient was as full as his wallet. He knew his noes from his cottontails. He was on the right path and no impoverished cancerous scum could divert him from his destiny.

Mr Rabbit’s Adventures part 4

Something big has happened to Mr Rabbit. Something has made him prick up those magnificent ears and hear the universe speak to him. He has had a conversion. He has discovered compassion. It was probably the Bishop that had reminded him that like many Boat Bunnies, Jesus also came from the Middle East and that as a babe in swaddling cloth he had been a refugee.

“How would Jesus like to be sent off to Fantasia as an unaccompanied minor” he asked himself? Surely he would prefer to be sent to Gnawru. Mind you we’re not housing them in stables so what could we do with the bloody donkey? Anyway he vowed to give up trying to be meaner than Carrot Top otherwise he would end up having to share platforms with that other Carrot Top from Queensland. That would be too embarrassing even for a rabbit that wore budgie smugglers and especially because he had helped to chuck her out of the Gliberal Party after stealing her policy ideas.

So Mr Rabbit decided to discuss compassion with  Morrie Bun his Shallow Monster for Irrigation and particularly discuss being kinder to the Boat Bunnies. They devised a new kinder plan for the Gliberal Party. They would change their image. “From now on we will sound compassionate at every opportunity” he exclaimed. Let’s call a pest conference to show our new soft and cuddly outer skin to the world.

Morrie Bun could not wait, so they collected Cinder Brandies who is the Shallow Attorney General and headed out to talk to the assembled members of the debauched estate.

At first, as Bleater Grief might have put it, it all went as swimmingly. Morrie Bun had severely castigated Carrot Top for enticing the cute little Boat Bunnies to risk their lives coming to Downunder in a leaky canoe. What made Morrie Bun gnash his teeth the most, was that after enticing them to paddle all the way here she was  going to send them straight back to Fantasia on an aeroplane.

Unfortunately one of the TV pests had read the Gliberal Party policy on refugees and asked difficult questions that made Mr Rabbit wish he had read it as well. She asked Morrie Bun if the Gliberals were in fact proposing to turn the leaky canoes around and make the Boat Bunnies paddle to Undernesia and she asked isn’t that more dangerous than a plane trip to Fantasia?” Morrie Bun swallowed hard and began to sweat, while his mouth opened and shut rapidly no sound was coming out.

Mr Rabbit leapt to Morrie Buns rescue with a brilliant answer. It wouldn’t be cruel or dangerous because they would turn the canoes around outside Downunder. This would mean they had never really come here so it couldn’t be seen to be cruel. It would be as if it had never happened. Mr Rabbit was very proud of this answer because like climate denial it was at the spiritual centre of Gliberal philosophy.

Part 2 Mr Rabbits Adventures – Mr Rabbit Goes West

Mr Rabbit recently made an important trip to Western Downunder to address his wealthy burrowing cousins at their annual digging conference. He reiterated his Party’s policies by emphasising that he ah  was against everything, especially ah anything that the audience didn’t ah support and would like a copy of anything new that was opposed by the  ah wealthy burrowers so that he could add it to his policy against everything ah as soon as possible.

At a burrow step interview Mr Rabbit was questioned by journalists about his reneging on a deal to give his old mate Bleater the key to the party’s carrot vault. Mr Rabbit said this was ah a good thing for the party because the party needed more competition “dangling the carrot and then pulling it away made members hungry for success”. This is clearly the case with Bleater who was heard to mutter that he felt like ripping off Mr Rabbit’s ears and stuffing them in his orifice, although on second thoughts I’m not sure he meant his own mouth. Mr Rabbit was clearly worried about Bleaters comments as he knew deep down despite the efforts he made to draw attention to other symbols of his virility by wearing budgie smugglers, that the main appeal he offered his party was the size of his ears.

On hearing Mr Rabbits comments Bleater said he thought he should have got the top job because he was an expert in the field of misinformation which is of course the reason behind the recent success of the party. “Having invented this type of campaigning I thought I offered a great deal of expertise to the party but after welcoming me on board Mr Rabbit has thrown me overboard without a lifebelt.”  On reflection he added “I have to concede however that he is even better at misinformation than me”. Since these comments Bleater has gone underground and cannot be contacted.

The setting is chilling. London is burning, the Greeks are looking for friends and Berlusconi has finally screwed everything in Italy. Meanwhile at the tea party,  the Mad Hatters cheer the fall of America’s President and the impoverishment of her people. In this tottering world precariously held above the flood of despair by the great plate of China, Mr Rabbit, a cousin of the Mad March Hare, returns to Canberra to plot the demise of Ms Carrot Top. Will Mr Rabbit be satisfied with a moderate level of carnage or will he wreak havoc on the great warren Downunder?

Mr Rabbit has taken time out to consult with the ferrets from the Tea Party on how a complete extinction might be carried out. Will he be thwarted by the Ugly Duckling who is trying hard to boost morale and steer Downunder through this crisis? Or will Tony 1080 poison the earth and take us back to the Dark Ages? Watch this space for updates.